I had no hobbies, no career, and not even a career goal, I had stopped and didn’t know why.
I stopped and started this particular post a dozen times, each time I got more and more frustrated. I didn't know what I wanted to say, I didn't actually know if I had anything to say anyway. But I tried.. and then I got mad, first of all I got mad at myself for not being able to write anything that made any sense but then it wasn't long before I was actually mad at myself for all the times I'd started something only to give up when the circumstances weren't great or when my interests changed.. and believe me, this happens a lot.
I like to think of myself as a multi-passionate person, although I'm pretty sure the more accurate description would be "perfectionist with a tendency to be easily distracted". I'm a bit like a magpie... I see shiny things and my attention is diverted, only in my case it's less about shiny objects and more about ideas; the idea of how things should be, how they should feel, how they should look.. and when the reality does not match the "shoulds" I interpret it as wrong and then I stop in my tracks, completely overwhelmed by that usual sense of defeat, uncertainty and frustration.
Like I said before, this happens a lot.
Only now things have changed, the reality is I'm sick of my own s*!t, I see the patterns I fall into and I know only too well that the only person who can break the cycle of stopping and starting is ME.
You know when you have that friend who comes over, drinks your wine, tells you her problems and begs for your advice... only to go away and do the exact opposite? That is me, or at least that was.
There comes a time when you must own your own decisions and let go of how you thought your life would be. There also comes a time when you must step up and live the changes you want to see around you, not just talk about them.
It's funny to me that I came to this conclusion over the last few days, because yes, it's the time of the full moon and here I am again having a light shone directly on what needs to change in my own life.
The universe has your back in ways you don't expect!
It took 3 little words to kick my bottom into gear, a friend told me today "Don't Stop Believing", and in that exact instance I realised what I was doing... I'd stopped writing because I didn't believe what I had to say was valid, I was struggling to create content I enjoyed because I was trying to create something that I thought was expected of me.. and you know the only person who was putting those expectations on me? Was me!
The reality is, we are our own biggest critics and we need to be much kinder to ourselves. It's easier to give up or step away from something than it is to dig deep and get rid of the blocks that we've placed in our own way. It is easier to say "I'm not in the mood" than admit that what we want to say and what we think we should be saying are two different things.
This year has been one of the strangest I've ever encountered in my lifetime, for the best part of 6 months I've had time to really focus on what matters, having everything stripped away really does show you who and what matters most.
I think we all need something that stops us in our tracks and forces us to evaluate our place in life; who we are, what really matters to us, who matters to us and how do we choose to move forward.
What I've come to realise is that the one thing we can really rely on is ourselves. Yes of course we should ask for as much help as we need and we should reach out for support whenever we feel we need it, BUT ultimately the choice to move our lives in any direction is completely up to us and no-one can do it for us.
On some level I feel like we've been given this year as an opportunity to look inwards and really reflect on what we want, we have the rare opportunity now to stare down all the obstacles we've allowed to hold us back and find a way to push past them.
A couple of months back I found myself stuck in a weird mindset, I saw myself as a mum, a wife and that was it. I did not know myself. I didn't know what I enjoyed. I had no hobbies, no career, no actual career goals either.. I felt like the only person in the world that had no actual direction or sense of who they were. The only thing I did know was that I wanted to write, I wanted to write a blog.. even though I didn't have a clue what about, I decided to do it. Not long after I created my blog, I realised I wanted to write a book, again, I didn't know what about, but I began writing notes and slowly a plot began to form. For the first time in a long time I was following my intuition without questioning where it was going. I acted on my own wishes and followed the road it led me down.
A little over 10 years ago I had been talked out of the only career path I'd ever really felt excited about, and I had regretted it, but as my kids got older I reasoned with myself that training as a makeup artist was ridiculous and not a practical road to go down..
But, last week I signed myself up, and today I submitted my first makeup assignment.
Your dreams are there for a reason.
You have one go on this little earth and it's up to you to make the most of it.
For a little while I'd forgotten that life was for living and that my voice is as important as anyone else's and it was about time I spoke up for myself!
So, while the full moon illuminated my life it was a little shove from “Glee” that got me moving.and for that I am grateful!
Kerry R xx
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